If I Were Sean Penn...

First off, it pains me to even have to comment on anything Maria Conchita Alonso says. That said, this is just too much; Alonso wrote an "open letter" to Sean Penn, criticizing him for some comments he made on a late night comedy show. That alone would not have pissed me off so much since we all know she is a total nut, but the outrageous thing is that after getting bounced around the right-wing blogosphere all day yesterday the letter made it into the mainstream press. CBS News actually wrote an article about it; this has got to be near an all time low. You would think these hacks would at least check to see if she makes any coherent points, let alone isn't just straight making shit up before they write a story about it, I guess not. So, I'll take a stab at doing what I hope Sean Penn doesn't have to do, respond. Below is my fake response from Sean Penn to Alonso.

Dear Ms. Maria Conchita Alonso,

First off, I would like to say how much I enjoyed your role in "Predator 2", and of course how great it was working with you in "Colors". Also, for taking the time out of your busy schedule for responding to some comments I made recently. Honestly, I find your letter to be full of distortions, exaggerations, and down right lies; but given the fact that the media here seems to really enjoy propagating your lies, I feel as though I must respond. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to respond to the dozens and dozens of lies in your letter, as I am currently in Haiti working to avert a real disaster. Therefore, let me just address a few of the most glaring and egregious parts of your "letter".

1) You take issue with my assertion that Chavez has won numerous free and fair elections. You disagree, but it would be worth pointing out that those bodies designated with overseeing elections agree with ME, not YOU. Also, you suggest to your readers a report by the US State Department, "The Fraudulent Elections in Venezuela"; that would be a truly interesting report, unfortunately IT DOES NOT EXIST.

2) You write that the government has "notoriously increased poverty (65% to 71%)". That would indeed be a shame, however, the government I support has notoriously DECREASED poverty. Poverty has been cut in half, while extreme poverty has been cut by some 70%.

3) You write that 92% of the media is solely owned by the government. Do you simply make these numbers up? The largest papers are nearly all opposition, and even buried in the Human Rights Watch report last year they acknowledge that opposition TV channels control the majority of the market.

4) You note my Jewish ancestry and the write that the Venezuelan government has "overtly stated its hatred against the Jewish community worldwide". First, criticizing a countries foreign policy is not the same as criticizing the people. Further, perhaps you should tell this to the President of the Venezuela Israeli Association, who, after the synagogue attacks awhile back, had the following to say: "We are grateful to the President of the Republic Hugo Chávez, to Foreign Relations Minister Nicolás Maduro, to Minister [of Communications and Information] Jesse Chacón, to the director of the CICPC, and to the whole professional team at the Attorney General’s office." He continued, saying "The national government has shown its commitment to struggle to eradicate feelings that are foreign to the Venezuelan people, and to restore peace and tranquility to our community." S

5) The crime problem in Venezuela is a serious one, and I hope that the recent reforms to the police force are successful. Part of the problem is surely the decentralized nature of the police in Venezuela, it would be hard to put all the blame on Chavez himself. Yet you write that "Many wonder if this situation isn't but a diabolic strategy by the part of the government". This is just plain ludicrous; surely you would agree that Chavez wants to remain the elected leader of the country right? This would definitely be the worst electoral strategy I've ever heard of.

6) You write that if parents do not agree with the education system, they will "lose custody of their children". Again, you really have descended into the deep end at this point. You point to Cuba where this allegedly has happened, but you fail to note that the separation and exodus of thousands of children from Cuba, in what was known as Operation Peter Pan, was coordinated by the US Government.

7) You write that Chavez supports a litany of terrorist groups, unfortunately, not even the head of the US Southern Command agrees with you here. General Douglas Fraser recently testified that he was not aware of any evidence of relations with the FARC or ETA, let alone Al-Qaeda or Hezbollah as you allege. While he recanted later, this was clearly a political decision, he would certainly have been aware of the evidence had there been any.

I'm afraid I have to end there, although I could go on for some time. Your outright lies and blatant disregard for anything even closely resembling fact does an extreme disservice to everyone. By saying the things you do you are actively leading an effort to go to war against Venezuela; for if a country is led by a dictator with ties to terrorist groups and who reminds people of Hitler, the response you are trying to get is nothing short of war. Lets not forget that lies and distortions are the reason why we wrongly went into Iraq. It would truly be a great tragedy if by giving a platform to voices like yours the media wrongly leads us into another war based on false pretenses.

-Sean Penn


(I saw this picture a lot of places, don't know who to credit)